I Hate It.

It's been hard.

There I said it. I'm not perfect. I'm not always sunshine and rainbows. And I'm speaking honestly when I say sometimes being a missionary is not all tea and crumpets.

The ministry we are working with is amazing. We have been partnered with a YWAM base in Panama City for the past 6 weeks and the staff and vision here are both wonderful. It's been an honor to work along side them and bless them in anyway that we can. But a lot of the ministry work we have been doing has brought me to my knees.

Doulos Christian Academy is a newer local school here with grades pre-k through 4 (roughly ages 4-9) and 5 of our team has been working there full time as teachers for the past 6 weeks. I wasn't there as a teacher full time, I only got to spend 4 days in the classroom, but that was more then enough for me to see the pain in the childrens eyes.

(I highly recommend reading some of the other blogs written by my teammates about the school. Liz, Jamie, and Kaiyltn all have great posts about the school and some of their needs)

These kids are crazy, loud, silly, and sticky. They are the kind of kids who will always push you right to the edge of laughing till you cry or just plain tears from exhaustion. But they give the best hugs in the world and are always eager to pray for one another (that sounds like a stupid anecdote to just throw in, but I'm serious, these kids love to pray!).

The school needs help. After our team leaves they will have one TWO full time teachers to teach FIVE classes. The math doesn't add up. They need more people. They need long term commitments so that the kids get used to stability and learning from one person who is committed to advancing their education rather then having 8 different short term teachers each year. And they desperately need to be shown genuine love. It's all to easy to see the signs of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse on way too many of these children. My heart is heavy and burdened thinking that after I hug them and send them home they are greeted by hands that distort the lives of these children and rob their innocence.

We've also done a few nights of bar ministry here. Words will never be able to express the amount of emotion and heaviness that goes into a night of loving those girls and praying for those men.

Most of the bar ministry I personally have done before has been in straight up brothels. We would go in the morning around 9 o'clock, things are quite and the girls and just waking up and we'd have a chance to talk with them and get to know them and have a bible study.

But here we went to the casinos at night. The girls are in full work mode and then men have one thing in mind. It's tough to talk up to a girl who you don't know and talk to her in a language you barely speak and strike up a conversation. We are not the top priority to the women because we are only offering flowers and the men are offering cash.

It makes you sick to see young women, younger then me, who have been deceived into believing this is their only option. They don't want to be there, they'll straight up tell you that they don't want to live that lifestyle, but they feel they have no choice and their pimps reinforce that notion.

And then came the hardest part of the trip which truly goes much further then this 4 months. I found out on April 17th that my best friends little brother had taken his life. And he was so much more then the sibling of a friend. They are my FAMILY. Their parents have been my spiritual parents and mentors for years, I spend every holiday and weekend I can with them. He was my brother. And now he's gone. And I wasn't there for his family and I wasn't there when they put him in the ground.
(I want to make sure everyone understands that I'm not bitter or mad that I wasn't there — I wanted to be there for them and to be able to support them, but I NEEDED to be here. I need my team. I need their support and their love. And they need me. I am exactly where I need to be)

I've been overwhelmed this past 6 weeks at the way that society (all around the world mind you, not just Panama or the US) disrespects and devalues human life. I HATE it.

I HATE the darkness that corrupts parents to hurt their own children.
I HATE the lust the drives men to use their money to purchase innocence and corrupt the concept of beauty
I HATE the evil that tells a young life that it isn't worth it.
I HATE that children are being robbed of the chance to take a single breath because the world considers abortion an "answer to a problem"
I HATE it.

Life was intentionally created by the one living and active God.
Of this I am convinced.
But this is NOT the intention He has for us
Of this I am also convinced.

Sin entered the world and has been messing things up for a very long time. Darkness attacks vulnerability with the intention of distorting the truth that Christ has given us freely through his resurrection and unfortunately succeeds often.

So now I go home. Pissed and motivated. Ready to get equipped with the knowledge and discernment necessary to join up with my brothers and sisters who are already fighting to see an end to the dehumanization of this generation.